is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
