pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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