So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
