Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Be still, my beating vagina.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
