Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
