Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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