hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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