I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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