this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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