I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
