My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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