Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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