how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
