i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I will pee on everything he values.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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