I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
