Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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