Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
