Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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