guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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