HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just invented taco cereal.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
