Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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