She is in my trunk
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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