i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
