Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I cut my penus on the lid.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
