New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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