and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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