I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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