god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
