Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
