I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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