Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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