Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
