Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
