When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
