my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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