i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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