put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
