Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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