A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
