Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
PANTIES FOUND
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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