I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
