I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
