somebody snuck up and got me drunk
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
