I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
barbara walters just said penis...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Randomize
