so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
