Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
