his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
