just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
