Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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