YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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